#1 continued from: Rapunzel Doesn’t Live Here: ‘How We Get Rewards from Destructive Relationships’-My Take on It!

I learned there are seemingly payoff’s from destructive relationships. Who knew? When I looked at it, really looked at it, why had I found myself in these types of relationships? (abuse and emotionally abandoned). More importantly, why I had I allowed myself to stay for as long as I did? There are numerous reasons and the easiest answer is that once I had children, that was my first and primary reason for staying. I remember reasoning whether it was worth putting my children though these relationships. But again, the easy answer was so that they could have two parents.

I see lots of reasons but here are some others that I had not considered. The first reason or reward for being in a ‘Bermuda Triangle – black Hole’ relationship’, would be ‘feeding into the feelings of helplessness”.

Okay, the feeling of helplessness. Let’s break that down as I had to in my understanding of the how and the whys. I had felt helpless to take care of myself alone. I went straight into a marriage from Mom and Dad’s house of comfort and care, expecting the same. I would have to say, expectations played a role also but was that wrong to expect to be cared for? The next and second thing about the word helpless in my relationships to notice and why I stayed, was that I being told that I was helpless to take care of myself. For years I simply believed it, to now as I am unlearning that ingrained belief.

Helplessness allowed the second payoff – the martyr role. Martyrdom that I had stayed in these relationships so that my picture would be beside the word Martyr in the Websters dictionary. Maybe I thought I was June Cleaver? My Mom was pretty close but I was nowhere close. I didn’t even wear an apron.

I would have to say though that my years of wanting to be appreciated and needed, were the other reasons/benefits, although when I look at it, I was needed alright. I was needed for things such as food preparation, child-rearing, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, standing at the door with a smile on my face and dinner on the table, both for the children and ‘other’ children. I pushed that bitter root right down deep in my spirit. I wasn’t having the need I most needed met, the need to be loved and accepted for me and just needing the ‘spouse’ to need to be around me. I was having enough trouble being around me. Why on earth did they not continue wanting to be around me after they chased and courted …me? I mean, I was the prize right? No responding by the peanut gallery is needed! 🙂

Yes You Are!!
Yes You Are!!

So another reason or payoff in my ever searching path of “what about me?” was to make me feel like I was worthy, by enhancing my self-esteem. Okay, where did I think I received that need? My self-esteem took a substantial nose dive right off a cliff during those relationships. I guess what I’m trying to say is, that I’ve realized that I was feeling helpless because of me, not because of the relationships. I was acting the martyr because of my view of a wife and mom and how they behaved and performed! Noble little me! I surely should have received this ‘Wife of the Year’ award by now right? Too late!

Needing to be needed – why did I not learn somewhere in my girlish days that I was just fine as ‘me’. I needed to get to know me so that I could – like me. Why did I think others were going to like the me I didn’t know? Wow, I have learned a lot through these struggles. I have finally been introduced to ME!

So what I now see is that I was getting that ever codependent need met alright, but what I have been doing is beating myself over the head with it – for years! So while I will continue to search out the ‘boulders’ in my life so that I can blast them with dynamite and continue to grow, I am not going to beat myself against the rock anymore. I don’t have to feel victimized by me or others.I can see I can let that need of having others ‘appreciate me’ go.

I see it’s time to press on and appreciate Me!

At the end of the day..we have to find our own way in recovery...
At the end of the day..we have to find our own way in recovery…

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One thought on “#1 continued from: Rapunzel Doesn’t Live Here: ‘How We Get Rewards from Destructive Relationships’-My Take on It!

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