This morning I woke and still felt this puzzling deep sadness – not as strongly as before but still there in the recesses of my heart. What I was sad about? Truthfully, I am not completely certain but concerned it was taking over my heart and mind for the past few years to the point it was paralyzing me and not only that – changing me and not in the way that God changes a person.
I thanked God for a new day and asked him to bless me, enlarge my territory and that his hand be with me and keep me from evil and that I may not cause any pain. (The Jabez Prayer) Then, I said in my heart to Jesus – “the sadness is still there Lord, please take it from me.” I stood up by the side of the bed and I heard it in my spirit – “you don’t have to carry this sadness anymore. It’s not your battle. It’s not your giant. If you have given it all to me. If you are of a clean heart, then those things that you are carrying, that sadness, is not yours. You know the facts, you have clear thinking today” and in my mind I went through them all (the facts) as I knew them.
Surprisingly, my thinking was clearer than it had been in a long time. I thought back to all that I was carrying and one by one, I said – “oh wait” – “why am I carrying that”? “I didn’t do that”. “I hadn’t done that”. “I did walk there but that was the extent of it”. It was like a series of ‘aha’ moments were checked off in my mind – “yep” – “nope” – “nope” – “you’re right that’s not mine” – “wow – what have I been doing”?
He spoke to my heart and I heard “you know what your actions have been and what they haven’t been. Why are you taking things spoken over you as yours? You don’t have to do that anymore. You’re not a martyr. In fact, you’re not David and this is not your Goliath”. If that’s not profound? “I am not David and ….this is NOT your Goliath”!
Wow – what had I been doing? I knew where I had walked the last 4 years. I recounted them in my mind. I knew where I hadn’t walked also, so why did I allow what may have been spoken to or about me become my truth?In fact why had I cared? I know the reason – I care in general, but still – I’ve learned that it is ‘none of my business’ what others say. I understand that now.
Another reason – my self esteem had been the lowest ever. When you hear everyday for many years that ‘everything’ you did from the time you woke to the time the other person went to bed, was wrong, that you’re walking, talking, to your thinking was wrong about everything – you start to believe it. So here is the trait that I have learned and continued. In fact, I think I may have been taking on the martyr syndrome somehow to please others.
In truth however, I had learned this trait from my Mom years ago. No, this is not to discredit her. She was one of the most creative, skilled, wisdom filled people I have ever met. Yet, I remember her sharing with me that she had learned to do the very same thing. She was a child of an alcoholic parent and learned to make excuses for them and for everything that could go wrong. She learned to protect herself and she shared with me that she would even worry about things to the point that she felt if she worried enough, that she would be able to turn the outcome around or even control the outcome. She shared with me that she had passed that on to me. I see that I carried that into my marriage.
Interestingly enough though, I didn’t worry going through cancer. I worried after cancer – that I was flawed and ruined and that no one would love me ever again. My ex-husband had said to me that he would be there for me when first starting the treatment and that within weeks, if that long, he no longer supported my illness – dismissing it, so why would anyone else support me? Why didn’t I give that to God? Why have I been carrying that around like an albatross? Why did I put the responsibility of a human to lift me up, when only God really can.
I carried the burden too – as if I had weights from the gym on my shoulders – as if God is not the God who works in the ‘seemingly impossible’ business. Who was I to assume anything?
I heard in my spirit – “you no longer have to carry the burden of others fears, shame, guilt, hurt, pain, sadness, grief, sorrow, their views of you or their world upon your shoulders. If you have repented for things you have done in this life. If you have not even done any of those things – you still do not have to accept blame and shame for what you didn’t do, out of a need to please others out of some sense that to take it would help them or yourself.
I realize that it is a good thing to feel empathy and even from time to time sadness and grief that belongs to others, in order to take it and give it to the Lord for them, on their behalf, but once you pray to be released or for them to be released – release it. I visualized him telling me – “you are not David and this is not your Goliath”, as I stood there very small. Who am I to think that I should act as if I am a martyr? I am no martyr.
Interestingly – my soul felt lighter. I listened to the sermon this morning with a new intensity – lighter because I could absorb it from the release of the weight in my spirit.
So God’s gift to me today – ‘Time to lay my burdens down’. I will feel for others. I will pray for others. I have been praing for others all along. I will encourage and empathize with others and I may from time to time feel their pain, however… to be an effective Christian, God has thrown me a life-ring in the waters of pain and sorrow to grab hold of. He has pulled me to shore and straighted my back and he is pointing and encouraging me to press on….
We are not expected to carry the burdens of others to the point it makes us sick and weighed down by the load as a martyr. We can empathize…we can encourage, and most certainly pray for their pain..but not to the point to be so burdened that it makes us ineffective to help anyone or ourselves. #revelation
©vf aka suthrngirlsings51-012515
Below is a song that is near and very dear to my heart – and today – it doesn’t hurt to listen to it now – after many years. My heart embraces the message – that he makes all things – new! I can see the transformation in my life and heart. Once I had passed through the pain and truly laid down my burdens and given God all of the credit……#beautifulthings
Have you shared your story today? What has God spoken to your heart?