I sat on the side of my bed when I awoke this morning and as is my daily routine, I talked with God. I usually say the Prayer of Jabez – “Bless me indeed, Enlarge my territory, that your hand be with me, that you keep me from evil and that I may cause no pain.” and then go into whatever is on my heart. I thank Him for my rest and for breath in my lungs for another day.
Today, I woke asking God to help me forgive. I had gone to sleep a few nights back and I was suddenly sad and cried. My heart felt almost heavy – but what stirred my heart and the words I heard myself say that night before bed, even caught ‘me’ by surprise. I felt as if it no longer mattered that people had hurt me, had been angry at me, disillusioned by me or whatever…if that was the case…not saying that it is, yet, I would not be surprised because coming home – I was not the same as before. Beat downs whether physical or emotional change a person- drastically.
In any case…I heard myself say as the tears flowed – “God I will take it all and I will count it all joy -if that is your will but one thing I will not do and that is walk in un-forgiveness or anger. I can’t and I won’t.” I said – “I would rather take the pain that others hurled at me, if that is your will.”
Me take the pain? Why in the world had I felt such sadness and why would I say that? Why was I agreeing to doing that? Was is more of the same of taking someone’s shame as my own? I had learned that trait surviving in a loveless marriage. This time I don’t think so though…..I believe the Holy Spirit had a hold of my tongue.
God and the Holy Spirit were right there with me through my year of diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer, and cancer also changed my life for always. Because of that experience – I have come to understand….Life is precious and anger and unforgiveness add to your and my risk of sickness and disease. I learned that the intense one year of treatment, yet I was in the midst of emotional and verbal turmoil in a marriage also. How in the world was I to survive this – dealing with such pain at home? I had God. He was there with me… and I allowed one half of myself to shut down and went into survival mode. That part of me felt nothing. That was the time that I willingly shut myself down to survive and be there for my children. Whenever there was something one of the children did, I was the peacemaker and would do my best to deflect ugliness spewed at them, off of me.
So that evening…when I cried out ….it was as if I had this need to bear pain for others…because those that hurt others…are in pain as I believe it. I felt myself willingly taking their pain, and even their anger or hurt or other emotion, even if hurled in my direction. I felt for them and that I had to give it all to God for them and for myself.
You see, I knew at that point – that is what Jesus did for us…He took it for us, for me. He was tortured for you and I! Now I’m not trying to suggest I’m even on the same order or close to the Divine One…but…
….I do believe that some of us are called to grieve for others – not so as to hurt us, but to serve in a way that allows their pain to be placed on us, and by us to the cross on their and our behalf. Not that they ask us to….but because that is what Jesus would do and did.
This evening I felt it (such sorrow and pain in my heart)..and cried out..and was overcome with tears THAT I knew, like I had done for my children, out of love to deflect pain for them, now I would do this for others, like our great love – Jesus, who was all about the word LOVE did for us and because he lives within our hearts as believers…