MY GROWN-UP CHRISTMAS WISH

As I sit here today I dream of yesterdays when life as so much simpler. I look back on days when my life was simpler and filled with a young girl love. I looked at life in such a different way with such expectancy. I have felt I have lost some of that expectancy the last two years at least… until recently.

To digress, life was filled with such excitement when I was a young girl. I would bound out of bed every morning to find out what the days activities would bring. I looked forward to being around my family. I looked forward to the week before Christmas especially … as our family would each night exchange a few gifts right up until Christmas day. We would have such a wonderful meal cooked and prepared by my Mom and sometimes as asked, as I grew older a few dishes provided by me. My grandmother would arrive with her bells on literally… on a shirt she made. She had such a joyous presence. The time even with my own childhood love was so exciting. I couldn’t wait to see him. I wonder if he ever knew how much he brought to my life. I wonder if my mother and grandmother who have sense passed knew how much they added to my days.

The last two years were very quiet, and gray. My children were with their Dad and I was alone. I spent many hours in solitude. The pain for a lost love nearly drowned me in my tears. I wonder if he knew. I wonder if he knew his presence changed my life forever. I wonder also if my children know how much they bring me even though I am missing one this year.

This year my prayers were answered. I have returned to my childhood home. I am surrounded by family for the first time in years although the dynamics are different. The sadness is still there from the lost treasures that have since left my life. The sadness is very much there for the child I will not be able to see and hear laugh this year. The pain is real and yet….in all of this solitude I have re-discovered the love that has been there for me all along. He is Divine. He is real. He never leaves me even if others give up on me and that is more than enough.

I have new peace. I have a different kind of joy. I have a new expectancy each day. I have new gifts including a new job and a new home. On my grownup Christmas list all I asked for this year was to be home with family. I have that and more. I have a beautiful community with people that mean more to me than they know. Some that have been around for many years even when I lived away. I have been blessed and I know that. I wonder if they know how I look forward to even seeing them in passing. I hope they know…..now..

I have moments where sadness washes over me still but I’ve learned that I can not yearn for something that isn’t there any longer. I can’t miss another moment of life wishing for something or someone that can’t or chooses not to be in my life. I will wish and look forward to the the people, places and things that are here now. I will cherish them all. I will look forward to those stolen moments of pure joy and peace that I have now and relish them. I cherish the sights and sounds around me now that have replaced the sound of silence. I will embrace those moments of silence now however also. I have learned that solitude is a gift from the Divine. I have the gift of music around me and flows through me and from me and the love of writing that fills me and allows me to share my heart with others.

I wonder if you know how very special you are to me. I will make sure that today and from this day forward to go all in, even to the edge…. to make sure someone knows how much I love and cherish them. I will do this from my heart and I ask for nothing in return except the opportunity to share it.

You see I’ve learned that because of these past two years that I will live life giving my all. I will love past the point of stopping. I will love with abandon. I will love when others think it silly. I will love even if they mutter or chatter, even under their breath or behind my back. It matters not to me now..saddens me still yet that is what silence has shown me – to take a chance…to show love no matter what EVEN if it is misunderstood or WHETHER OR NOT it is reciprocated. SILENCE—has taught me to love IN SPITE OF frowns and pointing fingers and hurling of words. I WILL SIMPLY LOVE in spite of IT ALL because I am thankful to still be here on this earth.

That is all that I have on my Christmas wish list this year…Love! …and it will be the Love that I can share…

ALL I ASK OF YOU… this year is to please do not forget to let others know you care…and that you cherish them…NOT just at Christmas …but EVERY day. Don’t hide that love. Don’t be ashamed of that love you feel, don’t HIDE…..

Sometimes we fail to make love known and I admit I have, but I ask you to not fail to GET BACK UP and try AGAIN!. WE MAY NEVER KNOW IF WE WILL SEE THE ONE WE LOVE AGAIN…

THERE IS NEVER TOO MUCH LOVE….There is never enough love….There is never a moment where you show love to another that isn’t worth it..

Love is and always will be, thru SONG, WORD or DEED to me…Worth it!

This is my grownup …Christmas wish for you …in one word…..”Love!”

…..from me to you….Vicki

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